An essay by Margaret Berry, UT Distinguished Alumna
(This essay appeared in the Alcalde in August 2015.)
I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, the skinny arms. And, often, I am taken aback by that old person who lives in my mirror, but I don’t agonize over those things for long.
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, for less gray hair. As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to myself and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend.
I don’t chide myself for eating that extra piece of candy or piece of bread, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly gecko I didn’t need. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m. and then sleep until noon?
I know I am sometimes forgetful or don’t hear everything, but there again, some of life is just as well forgotten or not heard, and I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or funds run low, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? Broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn white, and to have my youthful laugh be forever etched into the deep grooves of my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As we get older, it is easier to be positive. We care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve earned the right to be wrong.
I like being old. It has set me free. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will try not to waste time lamenting too much or too long about what could have been, or worrying too long about what will be. I shall eat dessert and a piece of bread every single day, if I feel like it.
May you have a rainbow of smiles on your face and in your heart forever and ever.
(Update: Margaret Berry died on April 11, 2017. She was 101.)
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