It’s tough to be an introvert in a world that equates success with performing. Here's how to change the way you work while staying true to you.
By Morra Aarons-Mele
Introduction
I’m an ambitious overachiever. I’m also an extreme introvert. I want a career that matters, but my ideal day involves interacting with as few people as possible, avoiding fluorescent lights, and lots of quiet time. Those days are tough to create if you want a big career.
We live in a culture that equates leadership and ambition with extroversion and being present. That can be difficult for introverts, who may excel at work but struggle with office politics, long hours of being “on,” and overstimulation from noise, light and people in our personal space. The answer is not in giving up — it’s in changing how we work.
Are You an Introvert?
Introverts come in all shapes and sizes: Some are shy and avoid being out there. Some love to perform, and need quiet time to regenerate after. (Amy Schumer and Oprah both consider themselves introverts.) Others may fear situations in which they have to interact with people they don’t know or address a crowd.
But the stimulation of a busy office environment and a tightly packed workday drains all introverts. We need quiet, regenerative time. We need to feel control over our space, pace and place of work.
If you’re not sure if you’re an introvert, ask yourself the following questions: Do you feel replenished by being alone? Given the chance, would you spend a chunk of your workday in quiet instead of surrounded by co-workers in a buzzy office? If the answer is yes, then you’re probably an introvert. That’s not a bad thing — but it may mean creating success on your own terms.
Know Your Boundaries and Set Limits
Boundaries are important when it comes to maintaining a healthy relationship with your work. This is true for anyone, but especially introverts. As an introvert, you may feel triggered by sitting through too many meetings without a break, a lack of physical space or privacy, bright lights, loud noise or work demands that invade your personal time at night and on weekends. To find your boundaries — and set limits — try answering the following questions:
When in the day do you feel most productive and at what time of day are you just done?
Do you work on weekends? Do you feel resentful, or that you’re finally getting a chance to catch up in peace?
What distracts you, and in what space do you feel no distraction?
If you’re in a noisy coffee shop or a brightly lit environment, how do you feel?
Do you get more work done around people or alone?
When do colleagues inspire you and when do you just need to be alone?
If you could design your ideal week, what would your schedule look like?
What other things about your work environment send you over the edge?
Now that you know your limits, we can work to create boundaries that you ensure you don’t constantly test them. One of the most effective ways of doing this that I’ve found is what I call “Pace, Place, Space.” It goes like this:
Adjust your pace. There is no law that says we have to work eight hours straight every day. Maybe you can “chunk” your time: An ideal week would have you tightly scheduled for two days, followed by a quiet day with less face-to-face time. Or you may prefer an intense 9-5 day, with no logging on at night. Think strategically about your schedule and how you can make it work for you. Can you limit your interaction with Slack to a few minutes a day? Block out time in your calendar for quiet work?
Rethink your place. It may be possible to move around throughout the day in search of quiet. Could you adapt your desk or sit in a different spot so you feel you have more privacy? Can you take a walk, head to a favorite coffee shop or even hide in the bathroom for a few minutes to catch your breath? You can also think about reducing noise, light and overstimulation. Many people use noise-canceling headphones as a way of creating some separation from their present space. Lighting is also key: Can you turn off the fluorescents in your area or adjust the lighting so it is less jarring? If Slack or another messaging service begins to overwhelm you, turn it off, or snooze your notifications for extended periods. For many of us, these things might require a conversation with a manager. If so, Cali Williams Yost, a workplace expert and the author of “Work + Life: Finding the Fit That’s Right for You,” suggests the following script:
“I'm more productive if I get chunks of time where I can just focus. Here’s how it’s going to help [explain here], here's how I'm going to do it [explain how you’ll make it happen], and here's how people can reach me if you need me [email or phone].”
Create personal space. Many introverts don’t mind being accessible by email or text as long as they can control where they are when responding in their off time. Others find off-hours communication and an expectation of instant responsiveness extremely jarring. Setting limits is the key here — whether it be limiting in-person interaction by reminding your colleagues of your off hours, telling someone you need personal space, or discouraging co-workers from dropping by to chat by wearing headphones.
Make the Most of Meetings
Whether you’re a restaurant server or an office manager, you’ll likely have to attend a meeting or two. Meetings can be challenging for introverts, who may struggle to get their points heard or find it draining to sit in brainstorming sessions dominated by a loud few. The good news is there are tricks that can make meetings work for you.
Sit at the table. Establish that you’re in the room and resist the urge to shrink into the background. I like Jill Flynn’s advice: Arrive early, take a prominent seat and lean into the table talk, even if it’s painful. It’s only for a few minutes. When the meeting is in full swing, offer your thoughts in a succinct and pointed way and deliver the words with authority. Here’s the key: Practice delivering an observation that sounds casual and impromptu. Even processing the conversation and offering a verbal summary to the room is a powerful way of being heard.
Follow up. If you feel put on the spot to speak and you’re not ready to offer an opinion, say, “I need to think that over. Can I get back to you?” Then write something brilliant to email later. You’ll get the last word.
Talk early, not often. Speaking early in a meeting, even by offering a fairly banal statement, establishes your presence in the room. It can also take the pressure off so you can listen to the discussion without worrying about trying to say something smart.
Pre-meet. Ms. Flynn recommends mastering “the meeting before the meeting.” Be prepared and check in with stakeholders so you know the agenda and the expected outcomes. Make your opinion known to the meeting leader beforehand, so it’s easier to get heard in the actual meeting.
It’s tough to be an introvert in a world that equates success with performing. But if you consider the leaders who have made an impression on you, I’d bet they don’t have a single character trait in common. Except, likely, embracing their own authentic style.
Through trial and error, I’ve learned to play to my strengths and nourish my introversion, focusing less on the long-term outcome of “success” and more on the everyday.
Remember: It’s O.K. to own your boundaries and claim your personal style. Leave the party early. Turn off the lights. Be alone and be happy.
About the Author
Morra Aarons-Mele is the founder of a social impact agency and the author of “Hiding in the Bathroom — An Introvert’s Roadmap to Getting Out There When You’d Rather Stay Home.”
This article is part of a series of guides for working women brought to you by The New York Times and Bumble Bizz, a professional networking app by Bumble. See the full series at nytimes.com/workingwomen.
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